Many of you are aware of this crazy wonderful life that I’m living. You constantly hear me discussing my incredible adventures and travels, whether it be abroad or in my own backyard in Canada. I try my best to represent my experiences accurately, both the good and the bad, but I recognize that there are times when these experiences are portrayed in an idealistic way. Believe it or not, my life is not all incredible experiences, life-changing moments, and positive emotions all of the time. It is a hell of a lot more complicated than that, and lately, I have been struggling to express this complexity through my writing. I want people to believe that I am doing well, that I am living life to the fullest and exploring as much as I can. Though parts of this may be true, that is definitely not the whole story.
So, here it is. No more bullshit. Let’s get real about all of the not-so-fun experiences I have had over the past few months. Of course, it all started when I made the decision to leave Kelowna. To be clear, that was not an easy decision to make. It was actually the hardest decision I have ever made and I question every single day whether or not it was the right choice. Since then, a lot more has happened, and lately, I feel that I have been wrecking pretty much everything that I touch. I struggle with placing the blame on myself. I try to believe that everything happens for a reason, but sometimes, that is a hard pill to swallow.
I moved to Toronto right after I broke up with who was probably the love of my life. I miss him every day and what makes it so much worse is that I know it was the right decision. I wish that knowing you have made the right decision made things easier, but it doesn’t. It makes it way worse. It hurts so bad and I don’t know if the pain will ever go away, and I still don’t know how to deal with the situation properly. It is so hard to say goodbye to someone who has been a part of your life for so long. Should you say goodbye? How much do you say goodbye? Is there any way you can fix the damages that have been done and move forward, or are you supposed to say goodbye forever? Do I want to say goodbye forever? I really wish I knew the answers to these questions. But I have no fucking clue.
Trying to process how much I miss him while also trying to balance my feelings for new people in my life is even more complicated. How can someone have so many feelings at once and be so many things at once? And why do we feel such a discrepancy between what we want to do and what we think we should do? Again… I do not know. Nor do I know how to handle my situation. I can only hope that clarity comes with time, but I think it will be a long time coming.
Dealing with all of these emotions on top of adjusting to life in a new city and continuously being on the road only heightened the complexity of my situation. Travel in and of itself is not as glamorous as it seems, as I am sure some of you may know. It is long days and a lack of sleep and loneliness and not eating a proper meal in days and doubting yourself and not being able to address your emotions for fear of it pulling you away from your work and more. I still love it, and I will continue to love it for a very long time, but it definitely isn’t all sunshine and rainbows.
I also miss the hell out of some of the incredible people that I met over the summer. Travelling and exploring brings with it many moments of loneliness, especially for me when I travel on my own. I miss the people that make me feel alive when I’m with them and remind me of all of the incredible things I am capable of (you know who you all are!). I know many of us will be reunited soon, but that doesn’t make things any easier in the meantime.
My family situation is another complex area of my life that I struggle with. This is something that I will always need to address, but unfortunately, I don’t seem to be getting any better at solving the problems that I have created. I am very good at running away from the damage I have done and pretending it doesn’t exist, but there will always be the moments that pull me back and force me to face the reality of the choices I have made. I seem to always be in this in-between stage, which is a place where I don’t like to be, but it is difficult to make finite decisions in situations such as these. I don’t know how to fix the complications I have created, or if I even want to fix them in the first place. Running away is always easier, but we all have to stop running at some point.
My job is another complex situation. I absolutely LOVE my job and I am so thankful for all of the experiences I have had because of it, but unfortunately, that will all be coming to an end very quickly. And it makes me so sad because I feel like I finally found my thing, my place, and all of the incredible people I have connected with have made me feel so happy and full of love. And now, I have to say goodbye to that happiness. I am definitely not ready to do so. Even though saying goodbye means that I will be able to move on to my next adventure, it is still so difficult to move forward.
And speaking of my next adventure, I have another extraordinary experience that will be coming up very quickly, and I’m sure many of you are thinking that I am excited about everything this opportunity will bring. You may be partly right, I am excited, but I am also completely terrified. This opportunity is a big one and I am sure it will bring good things, but I am so scared! I have no idea how things are going to turn out and I don’t feel ready to jump in just yet. I want to savour my time in Toronto just a little bit longer before I have to move forward, but I suppose if we waited to do things until we were really ready, we would never do them at all.
These are only a few examples of some of the complexities that have surrounded me for the past six months. None of this is to ask for any pity. It is to show you that things are always more complex than they may seem, and you never know what someone is truly going through. I am sure that I am not the only one who has had these feelings at some point. Some days, my heart feels so happy and full of love, and other days, I sit on my bedroom floor and cry for a long time. I am working on accepting the contradictions in my life and in myself and trying my best to express them in a way that is honest and real. If anything, I hope this post showed that my crazy wonderful life is not as glamorous as it may seem, and maybe some of you will feel that you are not alone in your own feelings in this crazy world of ours.