Lately things have been rough. Last night, I found myself crying on my bedroom floor. It’s been awhile since that had happened, but I was not anticipating it to hit me with such full force. Then again, today it was snowing in Vancouver, so maybe I’m not the only one feeling off lately.
I know I have been saying this a lot lately, but this time, I REALLY mean it – the semester is officially in full crazy mode. I’m having that overwhelming feeling where I have so much to do in such a short time, and I’m feeling like I won’t be able to get it all done. I have just over a month left of my undergrad, and it’s feeling so close, yet so far. I’m not sure how I can possibly do it all.
Sometimes I think the overwhelming amounts of pressure we put on ourselves to live up to constructed expectations is just insane. How can I possibly focus on my schoolwork, while also applying for jobs, while also spending time with friends, while also searching for a place to live, while also trying to stay as healthy as possible, while also trying to plan a grad trip, and while also doing everything else under the sun?? The answer is that I can’t. I can’t do it all, and that is something I really hate saying because I so badly want to do it all. I’ve struggled with this realization before, but the fact that it’s hitting me so hard when I am so close to being done school is hurting just a little bit extra this time.
Sometimes we focus so much on making things seem like they’re perfect when they actually aren’t. Sometimes, they are so far from it, and yet we push ourselves to try to fit this ‘perfection’ even though we know we can’t quite reach it. This is something I struggle with a lot, especially on social media lately. For instance, my #ubcbucketlist tries to focus on those experiences that really ‘make’ your time in university so special – but aren’t these little moments special too? I try to talk about as many of these little moments as I can, and be as honest and transparent as I can, but sometimes I still put too much of a positive spin on everything. Sometimes the shitty moments matter too. Recognizing we can’t do it all is just as important as everything else. It’s a part of the process.
So how can we deal when we realize we can’t do it all? If you’re like me, you wind up having a crying sesh on your bedroom floor. If you’re also like me, maybe you need a day to cancel plans, figure things out, and get back on track. Maybe you need longer than a day. Or maybe you bounce back a lot quicker than I do and are able to pick yourself up again right away and get back to it. We all deal with these things in our own way. I am trying to learn my way and listen to that little voice inside my head and give myself time. Time to assess what I actually need. Time to figure out where to go from here. And yet, time is also slipping away so quickly, it’s difficult to fully grasp everything that is happening in this moment.
I’m having a lot of feels and a hard time articulating them at the moment. When there is so much going on in your head it can be difficult to separate it all out and find what really matters. What I do know is this: I am close. So close. And it might not be perfect, but I will get there. On my own time, and in the exact way that I need to. And that will be enough. It will be so much more than enough.
If you’re reading this, I hope you’re not putting too much insane pressure on yourself to live up to expectations and be perfect – even if it is entirely self-inflicted. No matter where you are at or how you are doing right now, you can do this, and you will do it in your own wonderfully imperfect way.
All my love,